Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
