Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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