I think my fart just growled at me.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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