You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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