he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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