Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
