I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
