I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
