He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize