Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
