so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
