I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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