Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
