just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
