I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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