I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
