I just cut my nipple shaving
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
