Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
