That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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