So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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