just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
