I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
