First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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