today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
