What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
