The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
