I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
