i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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