I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
and you fell through a lawn chair
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
