They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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