Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
