8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Don't make out with my wife yet
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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