my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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