Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
