i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
