final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
