You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
