I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
