She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
