first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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