Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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