Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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