Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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