sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
