Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
