I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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