Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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