Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
