I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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