dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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