Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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