The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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