Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
