my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
