3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
