I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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