I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
